Happy 6th Eid! It's been a while. i don’t even know why i'm here, typing again
after all these years. Right now, in front of my laptop, taking a little break
to rest my brain—or maybe i just miss this version of me: the one who would type
whatever i felt without overthinking who might read it. if someone asked my 20-year-old self what life would look like now; NOOOoo! this is not the life i once imagined. its calmer, quiter and less exciting than what my younger self probably dreamed of. but, funny enough this is sure the life i used to pray for. masakan Tuhan beri jika guwe tak pernah meminta minta, bukan?
I was born in Melaka and grew up
there. for the longest time, that place was all i knew. leaving was never part
of the plan. yet, after seven years of work life there, i moved. not because i wanted to run away but because life was asking me to grow and to be closer to my smol family, just like that. growth, apparently doesn't come with comfort. Allah had other plans, and
in ways i could never have imagined, it turned out even better than i could have
hoped.
Now,
in a new place, having completed a full year here finally together with a husband and
a child. a life that i live may look stable from the outside but stable doesn’t mean settled. you know the kind of makcik bawang always ask about ;
"alahai, semua benda dah lengkap. tak payah risau lagi kan?"
funny question. because no one really talks about what it takes to maintain a stable life.
it is not easy. it is discipline. it is choosing to show up even when i am tired. it is carrying responsibilities that does not pause just because i need a break. and somewhere in between all that, i found the meaning of my own stability.
and yes, life gets hectic. some days feel like im running on autopilot but i still choose to run. not because im trying to avoid kegemokan motherhood (selain kuat makan coklat & aiskrim) but because it is one of the things that reminds me i still belong to myself. i still try to consistent and balance everything even i failed. but at 32, i no longer romanticize perfection but more to appreciate and respect the effort i had for myself and others.
my life may not looks like constant excitement and perfection.
but it's real it's earned and it's mine. i didnt become everything i thought i would be, but i became someone who stayed who keep going even when no one was watching.
thus, is this what 32 years old life looks like?
a little tired and busy but grounded, stable and still trying.
yas
i will take it.
